All I Want
by Mistress Sezza
Summary: A missing scene from Meridian. Sam grieves. OneShot. Could be read as Daniel/Sam friendship or pairing, whichever you prefer.


**SongFic**

'All I Want' by Kodaline

Tag to Meridian

Could be read as Daniel/Sam friendship or pairing, whichever you prefer.

* * *

_._

_All I want is nothing more_  
_To hear you knocking at my door_  
_'Cause if I could see your face once more_  
_I could die as a happy man I'm sure_

_._

Sam pressed the heels of her hands into her eyelids until she could see spots, but still it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to get the images out of her head. The images of Daniel when she found him running out of the lab on Kelowna, hands held out in front of him and blue eyes blown wide with fear. The images of open sores and blisters as his skin melted from his bones. The image of the brave smile he tried to put on for her when she told him she would try to heal him with the kara kesh, grimacing through the immense pain. The image of his once handsome face, now obscured by bandages as she tried and failed to tell him how she felt; as she tried her hardest to avoid saying goodbye.

.

_When you said your last goodbye_  
_I died a little bit inside_  
_I lay in tears in bed all night_  
_Alone without you by my side_

_._

Then he was gone, and Sam had left. More like fled actually. She'd ran, tearing through the base halls, and jamming the elevator button repeatedly, deftly ignoring the shouts of her name from Jack and Janet. She'd jumped on her bike and burned rubber, tires spitting gravel as she took off.

At first, she had no destination in mind. All she knew was she couldn't stay at the base – not the place where Daniel had taken his last breath; and she didn't want to go home – that cold and desolate house where Daniel would never again be perched on her couch for movie night, or knock on her door with her favourite hazelnut latte when they carpooled to work.

She rode aimlessly, too fast, she knew, and too blind, as tears blurred her vision and silently soaked into the spongey padding of her helmet. But right now, she didn't care, she couldn't. Her heart had died half an hour ago in an underground military base and now she was a soulless ghost, unthinking, unfeeling, doomed to wander this plane of existence without her other half for all eternity.

Sam eventually found herself pulling up at Daniel's apartment complex. Parking her bike and entering the lobby, she took the stairs up to the top level. She let herself in with the spare key Daniel had given her, letting her helmet fall from her fingers with a clatter as she closed the door, and shrugging her leather jacket off to follow it. She wandered slowly down the hall, running her fingers over his kitchen bench strewn with artifacts, trailing over the dusty books and an ancient clay pot.

She moved into his living room, her fingers running the length of his gorgeous mahogany piano, eyes closing at the clash of sound. She slipped out onto his patio, her hands gripping the railing where Daniel had once stood, moments from jumping to his death after being exposed to the addictive light on P4X-347. She had almost lost him then too. She closed her eyes as she leant over the rail, knuckles gripping white against the blue steel. It wouldn't take much. The Call of the Abyss was as strong as she'd ever felt it.

Reluctantly, she drifted back inside. Wandering past his cluttered study, she paused in front of his bedroom door. Her hand rested on the doorknob, hesitating a moment before she pushed it open.

His scent overpowered her – the strong tang of old parchment and ink mixed with crisp pine and the sweetness of his aftershave. Surrounding her body and filling the aching hole in her chest, just like it had done whenever he'd wrapped his arms around her. His king single sat in the centre, a pile of books scattered at the foot, and one lay open on the seafoam green duvet, just waiting for him to return and finish extracting the knowledge from its pages.

She turned away, her eyes closing for a moment but unable to hold back the tear that slips down her cheek. She moved towards his dresser, her fingers leaving dark lines in the layer of dust as she moved her hands over the clutter. She touched each object, each otherworldly artifact, trying to imagine his voice in her ear as he told her all about each one's purpose, its history, its cultural significance. She fingered the clothes in his closet, pausing as she brushed his favourite cream sweater. She pulled it from the hanger, clutching it to her chest as she buried her face in it, relishing his scent. She rubbed the baby-soft wool against her cheek as she backed up, plonking down on his bed.

.

_But if you loved me_  
_Why did you leave me_  
_Take my body_  
_Take my body_  
_All I want is_  
_All I need is_  
_To find somebody_  
_I'll find somebody_

_._

Alone in Daniel's forever-silenced bedroom, the dam burst. Though her eyes were screwed shut, it did nothing to slow the onslaught of tears. Sam cried; huge, wracking sobs tore at her chest, her whole body shaking with the enormity of her grief. The sweater bunched in her tight grip as she clung to it like a life-raft. She felt as though someone had reached into her chest and ripped out her heart, twisting and pulling and tearing her insides. Her whole body ached, and yet felt hollow; a deep void remained where someone important used to be.

Sam didn't care that she was soaking Daniel's sweater, she didn't care that her head began to swim from lack of oxygen or about the ache in her skull that was building up from the pressure in her sinuses. All she could think, all she could feel, was the crushing grief and pain and overwhelming guilt.

They couldn't save him. Her father couldn't save him. _She_ couldn't save him. For all her brains, and PhD's, and insane Hail Mary plans and **SHE COULDN'T SAVE HIM**. She could save a whole galaxy but she couldn't even save the one person who meant most to her. What good was she? It should have been her; she should have been the one to sacrifice herself because clearly she was useless, worthless, pathetic, stupid, STUPID, and **why, oh god, **_**why**_**?**

She choked, her breath coming in huge gasps between her sobbing cries, her wailing shattering the solemn silence of the room. _Why, Daniel, why_? Why did he have to go and be a hero? Why did he have to be so damn honorable and self-sacrificial? She wished he'd just let the Kelowans die. It was their own fault for meddling in things they shouldn't have been meddling in. They didn't deserve his sacrifice. They didn't deserve _him_. They didn't care about him – **SHE DID.** _She_ cared about him the most, _she_ was his best friend, _she_ was the one trying to save him and _**HE JUST LEFT HER?!**_

_Jacob. Stop._

_It's what he wants._

_Just let him go._

Colonel O'Neill's voice rang in her ears. She shook her head violently. It couldn't be true, that can't be what he wanted because that would mean he _chose_ to leave, he _chose_ to give up and _he chose to leave her_. Irrational anger surged through her blood and Sam jumped to her feet with a strangled cry, flinging his sweater to the floor. Rage consumed her, burning her alive as she smashed, crushed, destroyed. She grabbed his bedside lamp, flinging it against the wall where it shattered. She kicked the pile of books, pages tearing from spines. She lunged for the dresser, picking up his priceless artefacts, his precious relics, and hurling them at the walls, satisfied when they exploded, splintering into a million pieces. With a heave, she put her weight behind the dresser, toppling it with a resounding thud and the splintering crackle of wood. But it wasn't enough to quell the rage and it wasn't enough to fill the hollow inside her.

Storming from the bedroom, Sam the Tornado left devastation in her wake. Screams tore from her throat as she tore into the furniture, cursing his name, cursing the one who had left her, cursing the one who was causing her so much _pain_. She flung plates, smashed valuables, ripped décor from walls, even put her fist through the plasterboard, screaming and snarling like a wounded animal in its death throes. But nothing, _nothing_, could soothe her agony.

Eventually she succumbed to the pain again. She sank to her knees in the ruined apartment, blood streaking down her hands and arms from multiple tiny cuts to drip onto the carpet. She lifted her face to the ceiling, her eyes puffy and swollen half closed, her face red and cheeks streaked with tears, her nose dripped down over her downturned lips.

"Why, Daniel?" She whimpered, her voice hoarse from the screaming and wailing. "Why did you leave me? Weren't we enough for you? Wasn't...I enough for you?" Her voice cracked at the end, her throat closing painfully.

Sam crumbled; her spine bending as she curled in on herself, bloody arms tucked into her chest and forehead brushing against her knees as she swayed. Silent sobs shook her shoulders and her tears fell straight down from her eyes to mingle with her blood on the carpet.

.

_'Cause you brought out the best of me  
__A part of me I'd never seen_  
_You took my soul wiped it clean_  
_Our love was made for movie screens_

_._

Never again would she gaze into the depths of his mesmerising cobalt eyes. Never again would she see those eyes twinkle in mirth, or watch that slow smile crawl across his face. Never again would she feel the warm strength in his hands, or the callouses on his fingers. Never again would she hear the steady beat of his heart beneath her cheek as he held her close, nor his deep, rumbling laughter. Never again would he make her laugh with his Jack impersonations, or have deep, soul-searching discussions about life, the universe, and the meaning of it all.

But meaning was irrelevant now. He was gone, gone, and she may as well have been gone too. He'd left her behind, left her before she could tell him, before she could convince him otherwise. He would never know how much he affected her, how much he'd changed her, how much she needed him. She could never tell him how important he was to her, how much she cared for him, how much she loved him, and that regret would burn in the empty chasm in her chest for the rest of her life.

Vaguely, Sam realised she could hear sirens drawing closer, the wailing becoming louder until red and blue lights cut through the open balcony door, stinging her swollen eyes in the darkness; night had fallen long ago. She heard the slamming of car doors, and Jack's indistinct voice drifted over the balcony. Numbly, she realised they were coming for her. She'd probably scared the neighbours half to death.

Wobbling to her feet, she dragged a dining chair to the front door, wedging it under the handle and making sure the deadbolt was in place. She didn't want to be disturbed, nor did she want to face Jack. She picked her way back through the wreckage, her boots crunching on broken glass and shattered porcelain. When she reached Daniel's bedroom she closed the door, pulling the toppled dresser in front of it with a few hard yanks.

Sam lowered herself to the bed, blatantly ignoring the pounding on the front door and Jack desperately calling her name, followed by Teal'c's deep baritone imploring her to permit them entry. Scrambling for her phone in her pocket, she fished it out and saw she had 21 missed calls and a barrage of text messages from Jack. Not bothering to read any of them, she tapped out a quick reply.

'_I'm fine sir. I just need to be alone.'_

When that did nothing to halt the bombardment at the door, she sent a follow up.

'_Jack. Please.'_

At the use of his first name, silence fell. She doubted he would leave, he'd likely stay in the hallway all night, but she really didn't care. She was done with caring. All it ever got her was hurt.

Sam moved to fetch Daniel's sweater from where she had flung it at the foot of the bed. Her boot crunched on something uneven. Lifting her foot, she saw a shattered photo frame, the glass splintered over a picture of her, Daniel and Cassie in the park when they had first brought the little orphan back from Hanka. Daniel was standing slightly behind Sam with his arm wrapped around her shoulders, a big grin on his face and his long hair dangling in his eyes as he gazed at his teammate. Sam was smiling at the camera, one hand curled back to entwine with the one that Daniel rest on her shoulder, her right hand lay on Cassie's shoulder, mirroring Daniel's that lay on the opposite side. Cassie's head was tilted back, beaming up at the adults. Looking at this photo, one could be forgiven for thinking they were one, big, happy family.

Carefully, Sam plucked the photo out from under the glass shards. She ran her finger over the smooth surface, wanting to imprint the image into her skin, into her memory. She brushed the debris from Daniel's sheets. Toeing off her boots and discarding her pants, she slipped beneath his covers, her heart lurching slightly at the forbiddenness of such an act. She pulled the soft, woollen sweater over her head; the garment like a dress on her tiny frame.

Sam propped the photo up against one of the cushions, and laid her head next to it. Her fingers stroked the glossy image as teardrops plopped intermittently onto the pillow. She turned her face into the pillow, desperate to be enveloped in his scent despite her blocked nose. She pressed her face down harder, until she could barely breathe, her eyes screwed shut and her body curled up in a tight ball as sobs once again wracked her body.

She didn't know how long she stayed like this, alternating between bouts of spiralling grief and aching numbness. At some point in the night, or maybe the wee hours of the morning, drained and empty, Sam drifted into unconsciousness. She would never be certain, but before she fell into that sinking black hole, she thought she felt a breeze graze her shoulder and ruffle her hair, almost like cool fingers soothing her pain and guiding her into the blissful dark.

.

_But if you loved me_  
_Why did you leave me_  
_Take my body_  
_Take my body_  
_All I want is_  
_All I need is_  
_To find somebody_  
_I'll find somebody_  
_Like you_

_._


End file.
